Perhaps you don't think so. Perhaps your wife/girlfriend thinks you are. The next time you are home alone, when nobody can see you, take this little test.

First, get out all the serious cleaning stuff and clean the toilet really well. Pretend you gotta face an Army sergeant doing a white glove test. Clean the inside, the outside, even the floor around it.

Now, once it meets inspection, stand up and take a whiz the same way you do several times a day. Use your very best aim.

Now, immediately after flushing, re-inspect your cleaning job.

I will repeat the question: Are you a slob? And, given that the lady of the house is more likely to notice such things, does she have good reason to think you're a slob?

You see, the problem is not aim -- although this is constantly joked about. The problem is altitude. If you're over four feet tall, the fall alone causes a significant amount of spatter, even if your aim is perfect. The spatter gets all over the rim, seat, even the floor around the toilet.

This problem is well known. Why do you think public men's rooms have urinals? They are designed to help reduce the mess caused by slobs like you standing over a toilet.

Most men seem to believe that using a toilet standing up is normal, acceptable. But think back on your life: how many times did you really hit it off with a girl you really liked, ended up at her place, and sometime during the evening used her toilet in this way? If nobody but girls lived there, everyone who used that toilet afterward knew exactly who made that mess.

You're a slob. And you will continue to be a slob until you change your ways.

What should you do now that you recognize the problem? Well, obviously, when you are somewhere where you'd rather not be considered a slob, never stand and use a toilet designed for sitting! If you're using the toilet at all, sit down!

Of course, if you're in the men's room at your local sports bar and the floor is already sticky, I suggest it might be better for your own health if you don't touch anything. If you don't wanna add to the mess, use the urinal -- that's what it's for.

P.S.: In a related vein: When you're killing a bush, be sure to spread your feet far apart. You may get good distance to begin with, but the ending is always the same -- some dripping directly downwards. This also results in some spattering, and can end up on your own shoes. This is another condition your ol' lady finds less than sexually stimulating. If you spread your feet, you can usually avoid the problem.

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