Yin/Yang of Gender Identity





When the witch told me I should develop my feminine nature, I was astonished at how negative my reaction was. My parents’ homophobia still influenced me to a surprising degree. When Theresa, a Wiccan, pointed out that I could develop my feminine nature and celebrate Wiccan practices, I felt myself flush, thinking, "I can just hear what my father would say!" I was afraid I would appear "unmanly."

Trying to avoid appearing "unmanly" had led me to a lopsided expression of only one part of my nature. When I was growing up, any exhibition of feminine qualities would likely have gotten me teased or beaten up. I had not realized the degree to which I had internalized these values. In my adult roles as father and husband I sought to fulfill the image of masculinity which I had learned from my family and from my culture. I tried to fulfill my need for femininity through other people, by getting married.

My son’s mother and I divorced when my son, Hunter, was about seven. I became a single parent. Not long after the divorce, Hunter told me "I want you to find me a mamma." It never occurred to either of us that I might fill the role of a mother for him. So I got married again. (That’s not the only reason I married again, but it was an important one.) Need I say that that marriage resulted in another divorce? I could not find in another person what was missing in myself, either for me or for my son.

When Theresa said to me that I could develop my feminine nature, it recalled to my mind another problem that I had been working on for a while. In the church I attend, Unity, we address our prayers to "Father Mother God." I had questioned the Biblical basis for saying that and had tried to understand what the significance of the phrase was for me. When I read the justification for using that phrase, it was like a light bulb turned on for me.

"So God created Man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27 New International Version) Though the Bible scripture was a familiar one, the new understanding wrought a change in me. I suddenly understood my Oneness, my wholeness. "I and the Father are one." In our unity with God we are all One. No longer must I seek completion from another person, from outside. I am already whole, complete. As are you. As is each of us.

"So what?" you may ask. What difference has this realization made in my life and in the life of my son?

I no longer must pattern my behavior on what I have observed of others. In the past I would rely on the memory of how my father had behaved, or how television fathers had behaved. Nor is it only that I can now include those behaviors of my mother or other mothers I have observed. I was created in the image of God; male and female was I created. Outward appearance no longer distracts me from the essential truth of my Oneness.

And that has made a difference in how I parent, in how I rear my son. I am more accepting, less demanding, more gentle. I am less influenced by testosterone, more influenced by love. There is more harmony in this home that I can ever remember having in my life, in any of the homes I’ve ever lived in. I even heard my (teenaged) son tell someone on the phone "My dad is cool." We not only love each other, we like one another.

Thank you God!